Amiga Format CD 12/Amiga Format AFCD12 (Apr 1997, Issue 96).iso/-readerstuff-/dan_wood/others/arse-head3

Text File | 1997-02-14 | 17.2 KB | 358 lines

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This issue we have a mega arse head for you.  Arnie Finen has collected
loads of funny stories from around the world, all bizzare, but all
completely true.  Often real life is stranger than imagination.  Let's
have a look at what Arnie has managed to collect:


A Pregnant Pause

A medical emergency was once excuse enough to get speedy drivers off the
hook with authorities.  But not in Fort Walton Beach, Florida.  Tommy
McDonald raced through the streets of town, trying to rush his wife, who
was in heavy labor, to the hospital.  Halfway there, McDonald was pulled
over by a trigger-happy policeman.  After several minutes, the cop
arrested McDonald for speeding and for having an expired license.  The
officer did call an ambulance to transport the pregnant woman to the
hospital, but he sent the expectant father to jail.  McDonald bailed
himself out and raced to the hospital, but not until after his wife had
given birth.  The couple, reportedly, sent a birth announcement to the
police reading: "thanks for nothing."


Getting To The Bottom Of Things

At a country church outside El Paso, Texas, a fed-up preacher is in hot
water with his congregation.  Reverend Peter Fransen was well into the
second hour of his fire and brimstone sermon, when he noticed that
several of his parishioners were whispering to one another.  He was
infuriated by the rude audience.  So without warning, the preacher turned
around, lifted up his robe, dropped his pants and mooned the
congregation.  The onlookers, which included young children and elderly
people, were horrified by the display.  Organist Cassie Engelhart, who
passed out on the keyboard, later told church officials that it was the
ugliest butt she had ever seen! Fransen was fired later that day.


An Appetite For The Bizarre

In Milan, Italy, a soccer team manager was recently fired when it was
discovered that he had a somewhat weird fetish.  One day, Antonio Matello
was rushed to the hospital after he collapsed, complaining of severe
stomach pains.  It was then that Matello admitted to stealing and eating
team uniforms.  Over the course of a year, the manager had swallowed over
twenty pairs of his team's soiled soccer shorts, saying that he "just
liked the way they tasted."


The Honeymoon From Hell
In San Diego, California, nervous newlyweds, Stan and Francie Brandes
were making whoopie on their wedding night when a 280-pound female sky
diver crashed through the roof and landed in their bed!  Says Stan, "We
were in the middle of something very important when all of a sudden, I
heard a scream and a god-awful boom, and this humungous fat lady in an
orange jumpsuit came right down on top of us!"  Thirty-four year-old sky
diver, Tricia Bonsatt was attempting to land in a friend's yard, when she
became disoriented and fell on the house.  Luckily, nobody was injured in
the incident.  But according to Mr. Brandes, "The mood was pretty much
broken."


Tight Squeeze For Long Life

An amazing study has revealed that men who wear girdles live longer, are
healthier, and have better physiques.  According to Austrian medical
researcher, Henry Metzger, men should begin wearing girdles in their late
teens when gravity hasn't yet taken control.  Metzger spent six years of
his life studying both men who do and don't wear girdles.
Coincidentally, he's been married and divorced twice during that period.
He claims his wives just didn't understand the importance of his work.


Hooked On Hanging

From Bhopal, India, comes news of a man who's really into pain.  Hindu
mystic Ravi Varanasi has been hanging from eight steel hooks stuck in his
back for eighty-seven days.  He has long since broken the previous world
record of hanging from hooks for three days.  What's more, he vows to
remain suspended for a full year!  "I feel no pain or discomfort," says
the holy man.  "I have learned to direct my attention away from the
physical body and concentrate on higher things."  In addition, the swami
has recently turned down a lucrative offer to be the new spokesman for
"hooked on phonics."


It's Alive, It's Alive!

In Jackson, Mississippi, animal lover Julia Polchrist swears her "chia
pet" puppy is alive, and she refuses to give it up.  Mrs. Polchrist, age
sixty- five, claims that her little clay planter fetches, rolls over, and
even wets on fire hydrants.  Her daughter, Judy Koltoon, has called in
several psychologists to examine her, but it seems the eccentric woman
doesn't pose a threat to herself or anyone else.  Polchrist says that
having a real live chia pet has brought much joy into her life.  The only
drawbacks are, he's constantly begging to be weeded and he's terrified of
salad dressing.


Who Was That?

It was a dark, cold, windy, rainy night in Nassau, New York, when Lamont
Hugh came calling at the home of his brother Lenny's girlfriend.  She
opened the door and said, "I've been waitin' for you, baby."  It was dark
in the hallway and once inside, the two removed each other's clothes,
and, within minutes, were in the throes of passion.  It seems the girl
was under the assumption that she was in bed with her boyfriend, Lenny.
She only realized her error when, after about an hour of wild
love-making, Lamont rolled over and asked, "Are you going to tell
Lenny?"  The girl screamed, passed out, and eventually took Lamont to
court, where he was found 'not guilty' of sexual misconduct.


Pop Goes The Eyeball

A thirty-five year-old man in Eagle Valley, Colorado, got his new year
off to a rough start.  After receiving numerous facial injuries in a
bar-room brawl at the Brush Creek Saloon on New Year's Eve, he was forced
to call an ambulance later that night.  It seems that when he blew his
nose, his left eyeball came loose from its socket.  Once at the hospital,
doctors were able to repair his eye orbiter bone and reposition the
eyeball.  As he awoke from the anesthesia, his mother called to say she
was on her way over.  The patient replied, "I'll keep an eye out for you."


Rise And Shine!

In San Leandro, California, neighbors noticed two weeks worth of mail and
newspapers had piled up outside the home of eighty-two year-old Frederic
Green.  They called the police who arrived to find Green lying stiff and
cold on his couch.  A coroner was summoned.  He examined the corpse and
began taking photographs of the scene.  It was the flash of the camera
that startled Green back into consciousness.  He jolted upright, rubbed
his eyes and yelled, "What they hell are you people doing in here!"


Like $#*@ Through A Goose

Canadian environmentalist, William Lishman and an associate flew two
ultra-light aircraft from Blackstock, Ontario to Airlie, Virginia,
leading a flock of eighteen geese.  The two men were demonstrating to the
geese how to fly south for the winter.  It seems the birds had been raised
in captivity, and thus lacked migration skills.  According to Lishman,
they originally started out with twenty geese, but two of them
accidentally got in front of one of the planes and wound up on the
windshield!


Another Waskaly Wabbit

A six-foot-four middle-aged man with a gray beard stormed into a convenience
store in Perryopolis, Pennsylvania.  Toting a double-barreled shotgun,
he ordered the store clerk to hand over all the money.  The man had
disguised himself with a large, costume rabbit head, including large,
floppy ears. But, after the robbery, he was arrested and positively
identified in a police line-up by witnesses.  It seems the crook, not
wanting to obscure his vision during the hold-up, had cut the face out
of the mask, allowing witnesses and video cameras to get an
excellent view of the culprit.


Family Feud

On Christmas Day in Franklin, Tennessee, fifty-eight year-old Sarah F.
Bates allegedly punched her son-in-law, Richard Harrington, and then
threw a stereo at his son (her grandson), injuring him.  It seems she
was upset because she disagreed with Harrington's decision to let the
boy sit at the "grown-up" table for the holiday dinner.  The feisty
grandma spent the remainder of her Christmas in jail, facing charges
of assault and battery.


I'll Show You!

Jeff Bankston of Wilmer, Alaska, and another unidentified man have been
engaged in a long-running debate over which of the mens' bulldozers
could push the most weight.  One night, after Bankston told the other
man that his tractor could knock down the man's house, the man became
irate and dumped a pitcher of beer on Bankston's head.  In retaliation,
an infuriated Bankston hopped into his tractor, drove to the man's
house, and began ramming the walls, splintering wood and shattering glass.
Eventually, only the chimney was left standing.  Bankston was perplexed,
however, because even after the damage was done, his rival was nowhere
in sight.  Bankston later discovered that the man had been busy, at the
time, bulldozing bankston's house.


The Ocean Springs Update

Call the National Guard!  All heck has broken loose in Ocean Springs,
Mississippi.  Here's a look at the police log, exactly as written...
A 911 caller on Burton requested an officer and a scream and then hung up...
There was a complaint of a four-wheeler on Queen Elizabeth... A toaster
oven was smoking on Shearwater... A prowler reported on White was actually
a ceiling fan... A subject was spying on his wife at the Forest Inn...
A vehicle was struck by a runaway gas grill on the Shearwater Bridge...
And the police department contacted the railroad again regarding the
crossing arms on Martin Luther King Jr., which continue to go up and down
in a "hatchet-like" fashion after the train has passed.  The railroad
advised that eventually someone will pay for the damaged vehicles.
Just another week in Ocean Springs.


Uncle Ben Would Be Proud

A huge festival and parade were held, last week, in Bemavo, Madagascar,
to celebrate the town's pride and joy... A forty-five foot tall statue
of a goat, sculpted entirely out of rice.  Hundreds of locals lined
the streets for hours, just to get a glimpse of the giant artwork.
Sadly though, about halfway through the parade, a float lost control
and barreled into the rice statue, completely destroying it.
Onlookers watched in horror as hundreds of pounds of rice disintegrated,
and fell on the street like rain.  On the bright side, organizers have
vowed to rebuild the goat, but the driver of the runaway float was
immediately executed!


Tasty Legs

In Brisbane, Australia, a woman coated her legs with peanut butter so
she'd win a "darkest tan on the beach" contest, but her plan backfired
when she was attacked by a horde of hungry birds!  Shocked judges were
able to rescue twenty-two year-old Mary Allenson shortly after the swarm
of seagulls zeroed in on her legs.  "It serves her right," one miffed
contestant said. "If she was going to cheat like that, she should have
used smooth instead of chunky."


Heads Up!

A do-it-yourselfer nearly died when he got his head wedged between two
pipes under his kitchen sink.  Four agonizing days went by before anyone
knew he was stuck there!  46-year-old Jose Luncita was finally rescued
when a vacuum salesman came to his door (The man had a similar problem
last year when he got his head stuck in the "doggy" door!)


Robbing The Robber

A cashier has been arrested for robbing the man who tried to rob him!
When a gunman burst into a convenience store and demanded money,
clerk Jose Munoz grabbed the weapon from his hand and demanded, "No punk.
You give me your money!"  The frightened bandit handed over $200 and made
a run for it.  The cashier then dropped him self in it by phoning the
police and telling them what he had done, he faces 4 years in prison
for armed robbery.

(He later told reporters, "I'd probably be in less trouble if I had
just murdered the guy.)


Anti-Pervert Protection

For years, women in New York City have complained about men who press
up against them while standing on subway trains.  Now an enterprising
firm has announced plans to market a new device that will help female
train commuters ward off creeps who crush up their private parts to their
buttocks.  The device consists of a thick, hard plastic contraption which
covers the female's buttocks, and can even deliver a small electrical
current.  After market research to find out if the device would sell,
it seems there was big concern that the device could give the woman
an electric shock as well (!), and others said that they had never
experienced such a problem on the subway, and others even said they
found it to be a good laugh (!!).  So the company have decided not to market
the device after all.
(That model can apparently be quite uncomfortable if it's worn backwards!)


It's The Real Thing
In Carlsbad, New Mexico, film director Lex Parnish says the new science
fiction movie he's shooting will be the most realistic ever made.  He
claims he's casting real space aliens in the leading roles!  Parnish says
he's tired of seeing movies with people and robots made up to look like
space creatures.  So he went out to a remote area and allegedly made
contact with extraterrestrials who agreed to star in his film,
"The New Immigrants."  However, when local authorities were reviewing his
application for a film permit, they found that, under another name,
Parnish has just finished serving prison time for fraud.  New Mexico film
commissioner Mason Berman decided, regardless, to grant Parnish the film
permit because, in his words, "I can't wait to see what this nut is doing!"


A Sticky Situation
Fred and Betty Davis recently moved to Cincinnati, and they have not been
endearing themselves to neighbors.  In fact, they're being sued.
Neighbors, Glenn and Doris Gladstone are suing Davis for $124.95...
The amount it cost to have their new sofa professionally cleaned.
It seems that while Davis, age sixty-eight, was visiting, he picked his
nose several times, and wiped gobs of snot on the sofa.  His wife, Betty,
says that they plan to settle out of court.  "The Gladstones were actually
very lucky that day," she says. "Unless I remind him, Fred sometimes
forgets his 'depends.'"


Around The World In 3/4
Jeff and Kitty Camell are attempting to land themselves a spot in
The Guinness Book of World Records by waltzing around the world.
The happy hoofers have started their 31,600 mile trek, in which they
plan to visit more than fifty countries, waltzing all the way.  The
two will travel on ships and airplanes, and will only stop dancing
occasionally to eat and sleep.  Jeff Camell says that he and Kitty
decided to begin the near- impossible feat because they weren't able to
have any kids, and therefore, had no one to embarrass.


Faxing God
Thousands of people claim they've been miraculously cured of deadly
and debilitating ailments after faxing prayers to God through an Israeli
phone company in Jerusalem.  Worshipers say God has answered prayers
they've faxed to bezek, the Israeli national phone company, which then
stuffs the prayers in the stone crannies of the Wailing Wall, Judaism's
holiest shrine.  The phone company, which doesn't guarantee a reply from
up above, is planning to publish a book containing the most interesting
prayers and messages, including one that reads: "Dear God, please don't
let me run out of frosted flakes, love, Abe Vigoda."

Hold the Salt, Please

Researchers in Tokyo claim they have found the secret to eternal life...
Snail slime!  In fact, a leading cosmetics firm is actually selling tiny,
one ounce bottles of the goo for about four hundred dollars a pop!
According to aging expert Dr. Kunio Ohta, women have chemical compounds
in their DNA which react to certain elements found in snail slime.
Distributors say that the sticky stuff won't be available in the U.S.
for about six months.  Until then, women are encouraged to place several
snails on their face and let them move around.


Any Fruits?
In Greensboro, North Carolina, officials at the county jail recently
told inmates that they could no longer smoke cigarettes.  So, as an
alternative, the jail-birds are now smoking banana peels.  Sheriff's
lieutenant Charles Maness says that his deputies are trying to confiscate
matches so that inmates don't injure themselves trying to suck on a
burning banana peel. One inmate, Shelton Locklear, says he prefers
smoking dried up asparagus tips rolled in toilet paper!


After-death Employment

If  you've always wanted to drive a BMW, and you don't mind working when
you're dead, then here's the perfect job for you!  The BMW test centers
in germany are looking for people who want to volunteer the use of their
bodies after they die... as crash test dummies.  Candidates are required
to sign a release which gives BMW permission to do almost anything to
their cadavers once they're lifeless.  Company spokesman Hans Friedrich
says that, in order to qualify, interested donors need only be in good
physical condition when they die.  He says that human corpses provide
critical information about internal injuries and tolerance levels
which dummies can't.  He does want to point out however, that BMW will
continue to feature only dummies in their television commercials,
and that people shouldn't sign up for the program thinking that they
will be on T.V.


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